This was a title I had in my head when I was working as a Bkkpr, a job I loathed. A job I refuse to perform unless it is for myself. As a filmmaker it’s not always a lucrative job unless you have funds raised for you and you’re shooting daily and have oodles of $ and a large portfolio. Being Writer is nothing without substantial work behind you. I don’t have that currently even though I have had credits in the past. I was remiss and should never have desperately depended on bkkping to sustain me. It has disappointed me throughout these 20 years. I would always tell a creative person – DON’T BECOME A BOOKKEEPER. Some clients are assholes and suddenly they become micro managers and want to know everything you do because THEY DON’T TRUST YOU. Even when you explain to the last detail – they don’t trust you.

I once had an offer from a two person accounting firm lead by a guy who liked me – he offered to send me to ACCOUNTING SCHOOL to get my CPA license. I refused so then he fired me. LOL he was a creep and I didn’t like him.

The job of a CPA is to cheat the IRS, an illegal organization that stores money in the treasury for our Federal Government. They cheat for their clients. Sometimes they become too exuberant and get carried away and then FRAUD happens – they are put into the pen. I have told many a client and an accountant ORANGE IS NOT THE NEW BLACK & I look awful in that color.

So I decided not to write my story about my wild adventures as a full charge bookkeeper I can relate some of my client problems.

One client was totally insane, knew I was gay, fell in love with me anyway and pursued me until I quit. He jumped my check, I called him up asking for it back in a very forceful manner and then I sued him in small claims court. What happened after that took every week going to court to get my money back – I did – but I had another problem – and that problem went on for 2 years and took a huge chunk out of my life and savings. I still hate that guy and one day I will see him go to jail. Or at least hear about it. He’s a total moron.

Then there was the Bulgarian Armenians in NJ – a family of sisters who thought America is a lot like Russia. It is but when it comes to Payroll taxes you better pay or you’ll send time in the pen. While the latter has not happened yet – I am sure it will – I got a call 2 years ago from an IRS lawyer asking me for the invoices they paid me to work for 3 weeks. I quit after 3 weeks when I found out that their 10 year old company HAD NOT PAID PAYROLL TAXES IN 4, 1564 DAYS (that was in 2018). Do the math – they never paid payroll taxes and here the woman is telling me “can you pay them the $3136 we owe for the month?” NO YOU CAN’T THEY WANT THE ENTIRE $222,222 WITH INTEREST & PENALTIES unless you make a deal with them. I told them this – she asked me to call MY PERSONAL ACCOUNTANT so she can hire him. I told her he won’t take you as a client unless you pay the Taxes and I quit.

These people are just the tip of the iceberg that is the accounting business in the united states of crazy people. I got tons of stories like this. I worked for a trucking company with a guy from Africa. He paid me my going rate and then offered me $30K lower than what I was getting if I were working full time. I left them. I have quit more bookkeeping jobs than any other job on earth that I once had.

I will never go back to bookkeeping full time. I don’t mind doing it 2-3 days a week for 8 hours but never full time. I’m happier without selling my soul for $.